The Talk
by flooj9235
Summary: I found Bastila at the edge of the river, tossing rocks into the water. I stopped, watching the brunette's movements quietly. I wasn't sure how to approach her, exactly, but I knew I wanted to clear the air between us. Femslash. Oneshot.


Hi there! It's been a while, and I'm so, so sorry for that. I feel like I sort of wrote every situation I could think of. Luckily for you guys, recent events let me churn this out. :P

It's very angsty. Just a warning. And it starts and stops suddenly, because I couldn't get it to flow. Sorry.

Disclaimer: don't own, never have, never will.

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><p>I found Bastila at the edge of the river, tossing rocks into the water. I stopped a few feet away from her, watching the brunette's movements quietly. I wasn't sure how to approach her, exactly, but I knew I wanted to clear the air between us.<p>

During my training that morning, Bastila and I had gotten into an argument about falling in love and whether or not it was a bad thing. We'd both said some hurtful things to each other, and I was almost sure I'd seen tears in Bastila's eyes before she left the room. She'd avoided me for the rest of the day.

After watching her lob a few more rocks into the water, I walked closer to her, stopping at her side. I glanced at her, noticing the sadness on her face. I had no idea what to say, the anguish on her face making my heart ache for her.

"I was in love once," she said after a long moment, her voice hollow. She picked up another rock and flung it at the water fiercely, closing her eyes tightly as the rock sank to the river bed.

I looked over at her, surprised. The way Bastila had argued against love earlier that day had nearly convinced me that she'd been brainwashed by the Council into believing it. I nearly opened my mouth to say something before she spoke again.

"I should have tried harder. I shouldn't have let her go," Bastila told herself, her voice shaky.

I raised an eyebrow to myself, surprised again by the pronoun Bastila had used. I didn't know Bastila swung that way. The knowledge that she did made my heart race; it meant that I had a chance with her.

"... What happened?" I asked softly, almost scared to break the silence.

Bastila opened her eyes and stared at the water rushing past us. She was silent for a long time, her eyes filling with tears. "We'd started out as partners, and she... she wanted more. R-she swept me off my feet..." She bit her lower lip, clenching and unclenching her hands. "We fell in love and had all sorts of plans for our future. We were going to leave Dantooine and start our own life, our own academy, somewhere else. W-we were going to show that love wasn't as horrible as the Jedi make it sound. I was so happy." Bastila swallowed hard, a few stray tears slipping down her cheeks. "But then... the war started."

My heart dropped. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. I'd heard plenty of stories from people all over the galaxy about loved ones going off to war.

Bastila's cheeks were wet with tears. "She left me. She left me and went off to fight in the war." She stopped there, her voice shaking dangerously. Bastila pressed her lips together into a thin line, obviously struggling not to break down and cry.

"She never came back," I supplied after an anguished pause.

Bastila shook her head, wringing her hands.

"Oh, Bas," I murmured, closing the distance between us, resting a hand on her shoulder.

She turned toward me, the expression on her face breaking my heart.

"I'm so sorry," I told her, opening my arms to the brunette in front of me.

Bastila let herself fall into my arms, finally losing control and bursting into tears.

I held onto her, hugging her to me as she clung to me. The sound of her sobs made me start crying, too.

As we both cried, I realized why Bastila had taken the stance she had in our argument. She was so against love because she'd had her heart broken and lost her love in the war. She didn't want anyone else to have to suffer through the pain she had. The thought warmed my heart and I tightened my hold on her affectionately.

"I'm sorry," I told her again, something in the back of my mind feeling insanely guilty. "Look, I... I know I can't replace who you lost, but I can love you. If you'll let me, I'll love you forever." I released her and cupped her face in my hands, staring into her eyes. Before I could think about the consequences, I closed the distance between us and kissed her softly. My heart soared at the gentle kiss, and started pounding when I realized how absolutely close I was to being able to love her the way I'd been dreaming to; the only obstacle was her feelings. That thought made me pull away from her and stare into her eyes.

For a few long moments, I held my breath, too tense to move. I had been hoping that there wouldn't be any strange silence after I exposed my deepest feelings to her.

Bastila seemed to be holding her breath, too.

My world felt like it was crashing down around me as the expression on her face changed to give me my answer.

"I... I want to, but I can't."

I stared at her, searching her eyes for a reason. I couldn't find one amidst all the turbulent emotions in her eyes. My heart told me why though, so it didn't matter too much. It was still too soon, and she was still hurting from the loss of whoever had come before me.

I nodded slowly, understanding even though it hurt to wrap my mind around it. As if in a daze, I released her and stepped away, immediately missing the sensation of her skin against my palms. I swallowed hard, feeling a little dizzy. "I understand," I told her slowly, trying to ignore the shaking of my hands.

Bastila looked heartbroken, her eyes portraying her remorse. "I'm sorry," she offered. "I just... this can't work between us. I can't give you what you want."

I nodded, looking away.

A heavy, charged silence settled between us.

"I really am-" Bastila started.

"Look," I interrupted, feeling like I had a ton of bricks sitting on my chest; I could barely breathe and felt like my heart was breaking. "I understand. You're sorry. I'm just... I need some time, okay?"

Bastila was quiet, then walked over and wrapped her arms around me.

Against my better judgment, I pushed her away. "Stop. Not right now." I grit my teeth and stepped out of her reach. "I won't tell anyone, I swear. But I just need some time."

Bastila started crying again.

My eyes filled with tears at the sound of her crying, but I blinked them away; I had to be the strong one for her.

"This is all my fault, isn't it?" Bastila asked, her voice trembling. "I've been a horrible excuse for a friend, letting you make these advances when I know I can't give you anything back."

I cringed, and turned to look at her, hoping my resolve not to cry would hold up. "No, Bastila. Stop. You've been nothing but wonderful. This is my fault. I was the one who read too far into what you were saying, I was the one who had the opportunity to stop myself from falling for you, I was the one who kissed you. I could've saved us both this pain. I'm the one who needs to be apologizing."

Bastila wipes tears off her cheeks. "I'm causing you pain, though. I'm the root of all of it."

I wanted to hug her and find a way to convince her that she was wrong, but I didn't trust myself to. "This is not your fault. I just... I need to learn how to control myself. I need to learn to not get my hopes up for something impossible."

Neither of us said anything after that, instead looking at each other miserably. We both knew that arguing would be pointless; we wouldn't get anywhere.

"This won't change anything, will it?" I asked uncertainly. "Because I kissed you?"

Bastila shook her head. "You're too special to me to lose over something like this. Besides, the bond..." Her voice trailed off.

I nodded, looking away again. "I just... I'll need a little time. Okay?"

"All right." Bastila's voice sounded small and regretful.

I sighed, glad I was turned away from her; tears were forcing their way back into my eyes. "Please don't feel bad, Bas. It's not your fault. Promise you won't blame yourself for me being pitiful?"

Bastila hesitated, but made a soft noise of agreement.

"Thanks." I exhaled slowly, trying to keep myself calm. "I... I'll see you later. I need to take a walk." I didn't wait for a response, walking off and trying to keep myself together.

Once I knew I was out of sight and earshot, I collapsed onto the nearest rock and started crying.

For a whole three seconds, I'd felt like I was on top of the world. Then reality had come rushing back in and messed everything up, just like it always seemed to. I knew that eventually the Force would help me find a balance, but right then, all I wanted was a good cry.


End file.
